I wonder if this pain will ever ease? Will I be able to go a day without crying? It's been 14 months since my beautiful angel took her last breath and gained her wings. Yet I feel like it's been an eternity. I ache with the pain I'm in. I am really trying every day. But, as each day passes I get more bitter. The bitterness is that I will never watch my angel grow up. That she should have turned 6 this year, yet she will forever be 4.5 years old.
I did actually look in her wardrobe today, I need to keep looking as we may be moving. I cried. As everything in there is age 3-4 years. I cried because she will never age, I will not be able to buy her older clothes. I cried because she's not here. I held on to her pink cardigan, the one she used to wear in the mornings on top of her pyjamas. I cling to it as this is as close as I will get to her for now. I
I am 14 months closer to being with her again. Yet I feel like I haven't held her or seen her for decades. I feel further away from her now than ever. The pain eats me up.
I don't think people understand. They think I may need help. I've been to my Dr, I've been to counselling. They don't help. As (not being horrible) they haven't experienced what I have. I don't feel I can speak to other mothers, I feel like I am burdening them. They are going through a similar experience, I don't want to add to their pain. I take my antidepressants, they help me get through my work shift. I'm numb. I can wear my I am ok mask. I can pretend for 6 hours that I am ok. But, really I just want to be at home with my angel. I push myself every day to get through my shift. I do this for my family. It pays the bills and it helps the household.
I get to come home and cry. I can hold my baby's urn and sit with her. I can cuddle her urn and talk to her. It's the closest I can get to being with her. I am so grateful to my husband for agreeing with me. For letting me put my side over on why I needed Aria home with me. I don't think I could have coped if she was in a cemetery. I would have been camping out there all of the time. It would have made me more upset I think.
I feel more hurt now and more pain now than I ever have. It's like the bitterness of not having her here is kicking in. To see and hear other with there children it hits me hard.
Oh how I wish things were different......I just want my baby back and to be happy again 💔💔
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