Life is so hard

Today I wanted to look at Aria iPad. It hasn't been touched since around November 2022. She was the last to touch it and use it. It won't switch on. I'm hoping it only needs to be charged. By doing this it made me want to look at some videos of hers I have on my phone. I haven't looked at these for over 2 years.

Now Im crying my eyes out. I'm in so much pain. It hurts so much. I hate this life.

I think every day I bury my feelings deep inside me. I hide away every day. I go to work and I come home. This is the only way I can cope. It's so hard. I don't want to be around anyone. I want to be alone. All I want is Aria.

I contacted my doctor yesterday. I'm struggling. The medication isn't working.

How does the world expect someone to carry on after losing a child. I have no idea. To be honest. There isn't much help o er here in the UK to parents who have lost a child. There is counselling, which never helped me. I felt worse. There is antidepressants. That's it. You get left too it. It's terrible.

My grandparents lost a child. They never spoke about it much. The only time my nain ( Welsh way of saying grandmother) talked about her son who she lost. Was after she lost her husband my Taid. She talked for ages about her son, she even showed me his death certificate. It must be back then in the 40's and 50's you didn't really discuss it. If she was here now, I would ask her how did she carry on for 40 plus years. How did she cope? Just how? She was a tough lady and they were both tough. They were amazing. Sometime I just wish they were here so I could talk to them and get some advise. They were my rock.

I hate my life......yep I do.