Will it get any easier?

I'm finding each day hard. It's a little easier now my antidepressants have been increased. They make me feel numb, at the moment, that's all I can handle. My emotions are too much. I can't cope without them. Otherwise I cry, I mean I cry so much.

I think work helps to. But, I am finding it very stressful. This doesn't help at all. I'm having more and more headaches. Which isn't good. But, with us moving I need to keep working. Its so difficult to get a perfect balance I think. The trying to carry on and be ok for the rest of the family and trying to be ok myself.

I will never be ok, it doesn't get any easier. We are coming up to nearly 16 months of losing Aria. Each day is like my heart is being ripped out of me. Like I said the antidepressants help.

I just wish they could help with my self. I feel exhausted, yet I can't sleep. The nightmares are unbelievable. I wake up sweating and I'm crying. I won't go into details about them. They are too much at the moment to try and write down. I hate this life. I hate the fact that there is nothing doctors can do.

I tend to hide myself away. I find this easier. I can cope if I'm home with Aria. She's here with us. She lets us know she is here and this is comforting. I talk to her every day. It's not the same, it never will. It helps a little bit. Knowing that she is always around me. I still cry because I can't hold her and be her mummy like I used to be. I will always be here mummy, but it's so hard when your child is no longer here. No longer needing you the way she did. It's really hard to explain.

I had a really good talk with my husband the other day. We talked about how we feel. He feels the same, he just doesn't show it like I do, I just cry! It's hard to see him upset. He's my rock. But, he said to me that he can't do this without me. This comforts me. I thought I just cry and don't help. But, he told me that I do help and he understands why I am the way I am.

Everyone needs someone like that in these darker times. My rock is my wonderful husband. Without him, I don't think I could cope and get through each day 💜