Trying to live without her....

Days are hard. Every day I talk to Aria. I touch her urn. I always talk to her. I touch her photo every morning. I kiss her urn every day. That's all I can do at the moment.

Honestly, I've been ok. I have been plodding through each day. Managing to key my negative feelings at bay. But, today has been super hard. I'm actually hiding my real feelings from everyone here. I can't show them or let them know that I am really, really struggling.

You see. Today we had our grandson. I love him so so much. He means the world to me. When he was here I was laughing and talking about Aria with him. He will always know who she is. He even knows where her photography is on our wall. Then we took him over to his other grandparents. Which was fine.

After that we went shopping and came home . That when my negative feelings starting to overwhelm me. I have tried all day to stop them from consuming me. But, I had to give in tonight and take a tablet to help my anxiety. It's at a all time high. Which, with everything I've been through it's understandable. But, I hate this feeling. I know, that tonight when I try and sleep the negative thoughts will consume me. I won't go into details, but they are not very nice.

I will wake up tomorrow exhausted and not knowing how to move forward. I am still waiting to have EMDR counselling. Who knows when I will receive it. The service I am waiting for say, who knows when I will get seen. If I need to call 111 or go to a and e. Which I won't. Because, I know how stretched the NHS is.....I work for them!

How do I stop this? How do I move forward with Aria in my heart? I need to be able to "live" or somehow show that I am "living" without actually sinking within myself.

I just want to be happy.....I dont want anything else ......I just want to be happy .............💔💔💔