People say as time passes grief gets easier and life gets easier. It doesn't. I find it harder now than I did when Aria passed away. I feel so far away from her. Even though she is at home with us. It's really not the same. I walk passed the bedroom she shared with her older sisters and I see her empty bed. It has all her things on it. Her comfort blanket which she called her "wa wa's". Her teddies her lights, everything. We have a curtain around it as it's very painful to see her bed....empty. How I wish she was here and able to use her bed. That it wasn't empty and full of all her belongings.
In such a small space of time she had a lot of things. Little things she treasured. Things to you and me ment nothing, but to her they ment the world. This hurts. To see all over toys left how she left them. How she played with them one last time....never to be played with again by her. This hurts.
The house is so empty without her. I walk around like I have my head in the clouds most days. Like I'm lost. I am lost. I really don't know how I function most days. Even now over 10 months since her death I function each day.
I am not living anymore....I exist. I go through the motions of what needs to be done. To get through each day. If I think, I cry. If I stop I cry. If I do anything I cry. The fact I have to get rid of my car, I've cried. Knowing that Aria wouldn't be in the next one. Leaving her mark. You see in this car, the table that folds down is full of her stickers. Stickers she places in the places she wanted them. On the window is her hand print and finger prints. On the back of the chair is her foot prints. Crumbs that she left behind or a piece of her hair. You really don't think about all of this when you are living each day. But, when you are existing you do think of these. The, I really can't replace these. I never can.
It gets you really thinking. Like what if there a disaster in the house. I could never replace her items. As she could never touch them again. This gets me anxious and very upset. As I know that we could never be ble to replace them as Aria wouldn't have touch them. These things go through your mind...grief is so complicated and life is so simple.
This is how I live these days....I exist 💔
Comments