It's not ok

I am really not ok. Im so sad and down in the dumps. I really just want my Aria back. I watch her videos and I cry so much. It's all I have of her now. I can't make new videos I can't take new pictures as she isn't here. What am I supposed to do? Why can't I be ok? Why can't I just have her here with me?

I hate this. It really hurts. I see everyone else happy and with there children. Yet I'm not allowed to have my little girl with me.

I just need her. I want to hold her. I want her here so I can be with her. Yes, I'm selfish but who can blame me. It's been nearly 15 months now and I havent been able to hold her. I haven't been able to kiss her, hug her or anything. This is killing me. It doesn't matter how much I try, I feel this is eating me from the inside out. It's like I'm not allowed to be happy. Without Aria there isn't much point to be happy

I'm numb. I just want my little girl. I just want to be with her. To watch her grow up. It's so difficult. People really don't understand. They can't unless they have been through it.

I really hate me. I hate how I feel. I hate everything.