The way I'm getting through each day is thinking that Aria has gone to someone's house for the day. It helps me get through each day. It's like I'm living in a lie. But, when around 7pm comes that's when the tears come. I go into her room and cry. I close her binds. Smell her comfort blanket, that she called her wa was. The tears come thick and fast. I can't help it. I miss her. It's as simple as that. I miss her. I feel robbed. She would have been 6 now. The most beautiful and funniest girl I know. But, she will forever be 4.5 years old.
I hate the way I feel. I hate having to live the way I do. I am going back to the doctor's tomorrow. I need my medication reviewing. The antidepressants are not helping anymore. They are wearing off way too soon. I am not ready to feel, to feel the pain I am truly in. I'm probably in denial. But, for now this is the only way I know how to live. I just don't feel ready to live in pain all of the time. Is that wrong? I don't know. We all deal with things differently.
I know that I have become more anxious. I am more anxious about not having my husband around. I worry more if he's late home. It makes me feel on edge. Knowing he's home I can relax a little. Is this part of the grieving too? I really don't know. But, what I do know is, I am not the same person I was 19 months ago. I am a totally different person. And I hate who I am.
I just want her here with us. I need her here. She made everything ok. The world is not the same without her. She made each day bearable. Without her it's just a nightmare.
Each day doesn't get easier, each day I get one step closer in being with Aria. It's a good feeling. But, how many more months or years of pain do I have to go through until I can hug her again? That is too much to think about. 💔
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