I miss being Arias mum. Yes I'm still a mum to my other children. But they are not children anymore. They have there own lives.
I miss taking Aria to school. Our little trip to the corner shop afterwards to get her magazine and chocolate. Our chats on the way home, her singing and just making me laugh. I miss her telling me what to do. I miss playing with her toys with her. Reading with her, colouring with her. Playing play doh with her. Watching her thing in the TV. Going out side in the car with her. Going to the shops with her. Now it's nothing. I spend 90% of my time alone. Everyone is busy. So I'm left alone. This really affect me a lot. Even after a year of her gaining her wings, this affects me a lot.
I think people think it's easy to switch. But, that void is huge. There isn't anyone to do those things with me. I don't have the distraction of another child to take the pain away from me. People have to remember that my other kids are aged 16 years plus.
The void and the silence is terrifying. I've tried to change things, to do things. But, it doesn't help. I feel worse.
I cried so much today. It's my birthday on Sunday and I am not celebrating. Birthdays are joyful days. There is nothing joyful about it.
I hate my life. It's as simple as that. People tell me I can change it....I've tried. It doesn't get any better. I just hate my life.
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