I'm miserable 😭😭

I am really miserable. I hate it. All I want is for Aria to be here and be healthy. Then we would be ok. We were all so happy when she was here. Nothing matter. It was all about her. Now we are all gone our separate ways. I hate it.

I told my husband the other day how I felt....it didn't help. I mean he was amazing as he always is. But, I thought by sharing how I feel, how I am it would help. It didn't. Maybe for a day it helped. But, I'm back to square one again. I'm crying all over again.

I was talking to Aria, like I do everyday. Sat in my bed and saying, listen Aria it's raining. In Welsh we say "bwrw glaw". Then the tears started. They just flowed from that. She should be here. She should be growing up and being amazing like she was. Nothing was too much. The things we think that make us unhappy, they didn't matter. She just took it all on the chin.

I miss talking to her and her talking back to me. I miss us singing in the car together. I miss everything. Every last piece of her and what she brought with her.

I am miserable and I hate it. It's been nearly a year and I have no idea where that year has gone. Some say, well at least you are closer to getting back to her....really!!!!! Are you for real! I would jump off a cliff if I could get back with her. This pain in unbearable. It's the worst pain ever. To lose a child, to lose a 4 year old. It's like pain I have never had before.

You lose your ability to do "normal" things. You lose who you are.

You lose everything you knew.

You lose your child over and over again.

I just want to wake up from this nightmare and she is ok. She is with us and she's healthy and happy ...but this is my life now ...a living nightmare 😭😭