I have always been a loner, not really a people person. But, now more than ever I feel so alone. I feel sad all of the time. I don't want to be around anyone. Yet on the other hand, I feel so alone because noone was to hang around with me. I have to admit I wouldn't be the best of company at the moment. But, to be asked would be nice? I don't know. I just feel very alone and very low.
I understand people dont understand what we have been through. I don't expect them to understand. Maybe a text or a message to say I'm thinking of you. Or a call to ask how I am. Am I being selfish? Maybe? I just feel lost.
Aria was and still is my world. She completed our family. She brought us together as a unit. Like a missing jigsaw puzzle. She made us whole. Now, I feel like our family is completely broken. I don't know how to make it complete again. How do I carry on and be ok?
I don't want to be alone anymore. I want to laugh, I want to be ok. But, I don't know how to do. Grief eats you up. It takes over each day. It's like I live ground hog day every day. Over and over again.
Even with my husband I feel totally alone. Sometimes like we are on different pages. Like he's moved on to a better page and I am still stuck on the same one. Unable to turn over to a new page. I have tried, I've tried so much. It's just so hard. I think women (no offence to men) do linger more in grief. We have that emotional and maternal attachment to our child. I still look at my c section scar and say, well that's still here but Aria isnt. Most times I cry.
Life is not fair. I think some of us get a better hand paid out to us in life. Others, doesn't matter how hard we try and keep positive and move forward, we always lose. I am one of these.
I just want the simple things. To be happy. Is that a lot to ask?
Comentarios