I just hate this. That's all I can really say. I just keep repeating myself, over and over. The pain I'm in is horrible, I wouldn't want this pain on anyone. It's like a slow pain that just never goes away. It doesn't matter how hard you try and take a step forward it just doesn't go.
One minute I can be ok, then bang! I'm back to square one. Like for example. I want to shopping my my husband, my daughter and my grandson. I was ok, then bang. I want to scream, run out of the shop and cry. I had to hold it together, not show anyone how I felt. Why ? Because, I didn't want to embarrass my family. I cried because I saw clothes for a girl. A girl who would have been 6, my Aria. How can someone all of a sudden stop being a mum? How can you go from caring and being there 24/7 to a 4 year old child, to nothing. It just doesn't happen. Doesn't matter how hard you try, it just doesn't sit right.
I have tried everything. I am on antidepressants, I'm going back to see my doctor next week. They are not working. I feel worse than ever. Like my husband said, I am not depressed, I am grieving the loss of our child. So, as I said to him. I need a pill to block out the pain, the grief, the constant ache I have. There is no pill. I always get told it will be ok with time. It's been nearly 21 months and the pain is worse than ever. I hate it.
I've tried counselling, I've tried reading the books, I've tried talking to others....but honestly, I'm shutting everything and everyone out. It's the only way I can deal with this. I don't think it is dealing with it. I think it's just pushing the pain aside and let's hope for the best. I'm good at putting masks on. Hiding how I feel. I deal with this at work with humour, if I don't I will break.
I wish there was an answer. I wish she was here, happy and healthy. I just wish she would come back. I know this will never happen and I will have to live the rest of my life in pain. I know this. I just wish there was an answer....I just wish 💔
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