I really feel like I'm living in a nightmare. Maybe it's the lack of sleep. But, I keep replaying Arias final moments in my head and when we saw her in the funeral home. This has traumatized me so much. No parent should have to watch there child die or see them afterwards like they way we did. This makes me cry so much.
When she was at the funeral home we made sure our other kids didn't go. I'm glad we didn't ask them to go. It would have been too much. It was too much for me. Seeing her like that. So small so still and so pale. This gives me nightmares every night. I try and sleep.
I use a app to help me sleep. But I'm awake for hours. Replaying this again and again. The when I do finally go to sleep the nightmares begin. I wake up in tears and so hot. Like I'm sweating. I don't think there's been a single night I haven't had one of these.
I have been to the drs. They don't really want to help. They advise me to speak to a counsellor. Which I've done. But, it doesn't help. This is why I cry so much at night times. I know what's to come.
I try so hard to be ok. To be ok for Aria. She wouldn't want me like this. But, with what we have seen, its so difficult.
I just want my baby back. To hold and to be ok and happy. To be healthy and a little girl she deserved to be. I hate myself for what she went through. I hate myself for not saving her. I just hate myself 💔
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