I feel like I'm going mad 😞

I really feel like I'm going mad. I don't feel like me at all. I'm that numb on antidepressants that I am just about functioning. Is this normal? I really don't know. I'm so tired of this now. The numbness. But if I'm not numb I don't think I could really cope. I don't think I could get out of bed and do what needs to be done. This week I feel very low. I think it's because I've just changed my antidepressants. I've gone on a higher dose. So, I think my body is trying to adjust to the new dose. I don't know what I'm going to do if these don't work. I'm so scared.

I'm worried because it's been 19 months since we lost Aria and I still feel like day one. I cry every day, some days I can't cry because I feel angry. I ask whatever is up there (sorry to everyone who believes in god, but since losing Aria I can't believe) why did you have to take my baby. Why her? I would be happy if she was here and I needed to look after her....yes that's selfish of me. But, anything would be better than this pain I'm in 24/7. Am I suppose to be in this pain for the rest of my life? What if I live until I'm 90 plus.... That's over 40 years of pain! What have I done to deserve this? Why am I being punished? Because that's how I feel! I feel someone is punishing me for wanting to be happy. Because, I'm not happy. I am miserable all of the time. I try and be happy for other and try and be positive. It's so hard.

When you have lost someone so close to you, you learn to have different masks for different people. I have my mum mask, my work mask, my outside the house mask, then when I'm home I can hide them all away and be me. I am thankful that I can be me with my husband. I can cry, I can be quiet and I can just be left alone. He knows what's up.

I just hate this. It doesn't get better. I hardly sleep, my skin is very bad, I feel exhausted all of the time, I feel miserable when I should be happy....I feel like I'm going mad! It's exhausting! But, it now my life....I'm not allowed happiness.....why?