Honestly I don't know how much more of this pain I can handle. All I've done today is cry. All I have to do is think of Aria or even think of her name and I'm crying. I'm crying now just waiting this. I can't handle any more pain. This is to much. All the medicine in the world doesn't help. The medication isn't helping at all. I was numb when I first took it. I help me through the day. Not to over think. Now, I don't think it's doing anything. Like I said all I have to do is think her name and I'm in tears. I don't know how to carry on without my baby. It hurts to much. I've tried counselling, I've tried everything. Nothing takes away the pain.
I sing and talk to her every day. I sit and look at her urn and her things. But, it doesn't help. The pain is eating me up. The pain feels like it's ripping through me, egar to come out. It consumes me. I hate this. I'm trying to live with it. To walk along side with it but I don't know how much more I can take.
I thought I was getting better. But, today I was out. I dropped my daughter off then went to a supermarket. When I got there I was anxious but ok to get what I needed. But, then I saw someone I knew. Put my face on, talked then carried on. Then the panic came, the shaking, the anxiety. It was horrible. I rushed out of there. Got to the car, I couldn't breath, I was shaking. I had pain in the palms of my hands. I think it was some sort of panic attack or anxiety attack. I drove home.
It took 2 hrs for my body to be ok after that incident. This isn't me. I hate this. I hate the person I've become. I'm home most of the time. I don't want to leave.
I know it's coming up to a date where I don't want to face. But, why am I broken? Why am I braking? I'm supposed to be strong, I'm supposed to keep the family going ...yet who keeps me going? I'm broken! I hate the person I've become. This isn't me. Yet, when I've tried to change this person, I go back to square one again.....I just don't want to feel like this anymore.....I just don't ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Comments