I am so fed up of feeling like this. I feel like I'm dying inside. I am so fed up of having to put a mask on and saying I'm ok, when honestly I am not ok. I am screaming on the inside. It's like the hurt is taking over my body bit by bit. It's exhausting.
The tablets can hide so much, but in time they even allow the cracks through. I called the doctors up at the beginning of June, I explained why I needed to be seen. The next available appointment is on the 10th of July! Really!!! I have to suffer even more, by then who knows how I will be feeling.
I just hate what DIPG has done to my family. Not only did it take away my precious baby,it's killing me, it's shifted something in our family. Something I cant put my finger on. So, when people think the hurt goes once your child passes....they are so wrong. I think the true pain kicks in when you can no longer hold, talk or see your child. That's when it really starts to hurt. That's when you feel like the pain is really taking over you. It's like a darkness, it doesn't matter how hard you try and fight it, it always wins.
People say, I must think about my family, my grandson, I do. This is what is keeping me going. But, honestly even they can't take away the pain I am in 24/7.
I have no answer, I don't know how I should live with this pain I'm in. I talk to Aria every day, but I don't get an answer back.
I am bitter, I hate the person I am beginning to become. I try and fight it. But, recently I don't have the energy to. I feel weak and angry. Angry that Aria isn't here, angry that I should have done more. I am her mum, I should have saved her. Nothing noone can say to me can change my mind.
I just want to be happy again....is that too much to ask? ðŸ˜
Comentários