I don't think I ever thought grief could be so difficult to navigate. Yes, I've lost loved ones before. Likey my grandparents. I cried so much. But, losing Aria is like I've lost a limb or a part of my body. It's like a pain I've never felt before.
This weekend was one of my worst weekends since losing her. I just cried so much. I hated what had happened. Why did she have to die? Why my Aria? What can I do to make this better? The answer to the last question, is I can't do anything. That's what makes this worse. I can't rectify this. I can't make it better. I feel like I'm living in a black hole. Like, some days I can cope. But others it feels like life is being sucked away from me.
This is awful. It doesn't matter how hard I try and keep positive and think positive. Something, will always hit me and I'm back at square one.
If tears or love could bring her back, she would have been back by now. I would swap places with her any day. If that would mean that Aria could live her life. I'm in my 40's so I've had my life. She was 4, she had her whole life in front of her.
When I last saw a medium. He said that Aria told him, that the reason she had to leave was she had enough of fighting that she was tired. Which I completely get. She did amazing. She was and still is the strongest person I know. She taught me so much. If I am half the person she is I would be proud.
These days, I can't settle, I can't sleep I can't sit still. I'm always over thinking. It's terrible. I just can't relax. I've had my meds changed by my doctor. At the moment I can't see any difference. To be honest, at the moment I feel worse. I want to be ok for my other children. I feel they have left me behind. They are living their lives, which is amazing. But, I don't feel they need me anymore. I feel unwanted. I feel alone most of the time. Yet, I would rather be alone as I feel I can't be someone in a room full of people. I can't relax.
I hate grief 😭😭😭
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