Flash backs 😞😞

I'm sat on my bed in tears. Not long got up from a night of hardly any sleep. Nothing new there. This is a new kind of crying....maybe another stage of grief. I just want to write as I feel. To share how things are.

I got up and went to the bathroom, talking to Aria as I do every day. I was brushing my teeth....bang a flash back. When we went to see Aria at the funeral home. This is new. I haven't experienced this before. She was there in colour in my mind as I was brushing my teeth. The tears came before I knew anything I was sobbing. It all started to play back...I think my brain has blocked this out. Seeing her like that.

Now I'm sat here tears have dried up and I can't remember what just really happened. I can't think of see what I just saw. I know it sounds strange but, it's like my brain is protecting me. Yes I know what I just saw, but I can't re play it back. I can't remember exactly what just happened. But, boy I know that was different and not in a good way.

Is my mind trying to prepyme for what's to come, what the next month will bring? I really hope not, as that wasnt nice at all. Yes I cry for Aria every day, but that was so different. That was like I was back there, stood by her. Watching us. Replaying the whole thing again.

I hate what grief has done to me. I am a different person. I don't leave the house now unless I really have to. I don't really talk to anyone unless they are in our house. I am trying....but I don't want to try.

This is so difficult 😭😭😭