I have always hoped that Aria is still with me. Watching us every day. Smiling as I talk and sing to her. It's so painful that I can't see her. I know she's in a better place, but that really doesn't take the pain away. I know she is better off where she is, as looking at the pictures from this time last year I can see the pain she was in. The changes in my girl. Yet, I always hoped she would beat this. I guess we will neve know. All I do know is, if love and tear could have saved her she would be here.
I remember holding her this time last year and sobbing. I cried so much. She just looked at me and held my hand. To say she is there. She will always be there. I told hold that if she needed to go, it was ok. She could go and be free. I saw a year roll down her cheek as I cried holding her. I could see that she was tired, tired of fighting and tired of being so ill. All I wanted was for my baby to be ok. To grow and become a beautiful woman. This, I will never see. I won't see her do anything passed the age of 4.5 years old. This hurts a lot.
I hope she is watching me. I sing every day to her. I sing our song. In my head and out loud. I talk to her all the time. I tell her I love her, I miss her, I need her. I can only hope that she hears me.
I hate this life that I've been given. I wouldn't want it on anyone. It's awful. Trying to live without a child. Well, not live , to survive each day. To get through each day without collapsing or without crying buckets. I still cry. Does it make me feel better? No. But, what else can I do? I wish I knew the answers.
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