The last few days I have felt on edge. I have felt bitter about everything. About losing Aria, about why did it have to be her?, about other families....I know I shouldn't. I don't normally think like this. I'm bitter because I see others having fun, making lots and lots of memories. Yet poor Aria only had 4.5 years of her life, half of that she was ill. Why did it have to be her?
You see, around 2016 I knew that something or someone was missing from our family. I had my other 3 children early in my life at the age of 22-27. I love them so much. But, by 2016 I felt someone was missing. As we say around the kitchen table I used to joke that only 5 were taken and we needed a little someone to sit at number 6. But, I always was laughed off or got told nope we have our family. But, the feeling of someone missing kept eating away at me. Fast forward to 2017 when I fell pregnant with Aria. I was beside myself. So so happy. Others were not.....but I didn't care. Our family was complete.
I was told throughout my pregnancy that I should abort, that I couldn't have my child. Because in 2009 I had a procedure done to burn the lining of my womb, due to heavy periods. But, I didn't care I knew this little one wanted to be born. When I was 30 weeks my waters went. I managed to hold on to 34 weeks, Aria was born. I was told she would have to go to special baby care for weeks. But I knew she was a fighter. 30 minutes after being with them at the special baby care she was back with me. They told me she was fine and didn't need to be there. See....I knew she would be ok. 3 days later we went home.....I knew then our family was complete and we had the world.
To have your family torn to piece again is heartbreaking, that's why I'm bitter. I am scared this will last for a while or forever...or as long as I am here....I dont know how long any of us have. I know that we all have to live each day to the fullest.
I've said it before but I do hate my life, I do wish things were different. I am only 43 but I wish I was older so I could see Aria again.....I wish things were different. I so want to be happy again, and on occasions I am....but for most of the time I feel miserable.....I put on a brave face most of the day and don't show other the real pain I'm in.
I understand the bitterness. It is actually normal to be angry because it’s one of the stages of grief. Yiu are okay feeling this. The problem comes in when you get stuck in the anger. I get angry over my daughter’s death at times too. I’ve been bitter sometimes too. Just don’t let yourself get stuck in that anger or bitterness.